Step 1: Insert dirty clothes and detergent. Step 2: Press the button. Step 3: Repeat for the rest of your life.
Most people take laundry for granted. In the West, due to some antiquated gender rule (established by mansplaining cavemen, no doubt) the house mother is responsible for the detox of bodily garments. Fathers, sons, daughters, and domesticated pets; bow down to the matriarch for your clothing needs! Respect your laundry overlord! Or risk the embarrassment of going to school in sweaty socks and underpants!
But when you are young, single, and out on your own, the responsibility shifts onto you. I found this out to my dismay during my second week of college when I wore the same Seinfeld T-shirt three days in a row…
They say that everything is about sex. Except for sex, which is about power. I’d like to be the first to add laundry to that list.
If while sitting in a college lecture, you can smell last night’s burrito on your sleeve, that means other people can too. It also means you immediately fall to the bottom of the power hierarchy. Harsh stares from classmates who are doing this ‘adulting’ thing better than you, are a necessary wake-up call.
So after class you decide to empower yourself with a visit to the residence hall laundry room. Ready to tackle this mighty task, you are armed with a suitcase of dirty clothes (you have not bought a laundry hamper yet) and some promotional Tide Pods (given to you during orientation week in a gift bag with chocolate bars and condoms).
How to Do Laundry
Step 1: Insert dirty clothes and detergent. You find an empty machine, open the door, and come face to face with a void. Are you scared? Don’t be. Think of this as a blank state. By throwing in your aioli-encrusted jeans, you are trimming off excess pride and accepting that life isn’t perfect. Your body is not a faultless leak-proof machine. The stains that cover your garments are scars of a week filled with stress-eating. The detergent is your medicine. Or an ice chai latte if you wish.
There was a time when I thought that I could avoid laundry forever. During my first college reading week I had planned my study schedule to the minute. Greek Lit on Monday morning, Econ in the afternoon, Calculus in the evening. Toilet breaks on the hour and a granola bar every 90 minutes.
What really happened was Greek Lit on Monday morning, mental breakdown in the afternoon, and binge-watching The Office while eating nachos in the evening. The salmon shirt I wore that day ended up covered in tears and cheese. So that part of the plan didn’t work out. But hey! I passed all my exams! When things get hard they’re bound to get messy.
Step 2: Press the button. You’ve tossed in your dirty clothes. You’re ready to move forward with your life. So long cheese stains! Now what? Many people forget the next step. Aware of their growing pile of problems, they throw their clothes in, fill the machine with detergent, and walk away. When they come back half an hour later they are surprised that nothing has changed. Their sheets still smell of failure. And sweat. But mostly failure.
You need to take action by pressing that button. The button is essential. The button is mantra. The button is the I-Ching. Without pressing the button all you have done is recognized the problems in your life without taking the steps to solve them. You need to find the springs in your feet. You need to get up off that couch and update your CV. Are you hearing me? You need to press that button!
Step 3: Repeat for the rest of your life. 30 minutes later and after an hour of tumble drying, your clothes are restored to their clean state. Smell that? It’s the smell of nothing. Wowee. Boy is it nice to be clean.
Except now it occurs to you that in a week or two, you will find yourself in the exact same position. Another week of sweat-filled activities. Another load of dirty laundry. And then a week after that, another cycle. On and on until the day you die.
Guess what? Life is a never-ending laundry cycle. There will always be dirty underwear and sweaty socks. Battles and challenges that require time, energy, and detergent. Take that from someone whose being doing their laundry a lot lately.
So get used to it and enjoy the ride. Read a book or listen to some music while you wait. Because no longer can your mommy do your laundry for you. You are your own laundry person, and those clothes aren’t going to wash themself. And if that metaphor isn’t working for you, then don’t get me started on taking out the trash….
Daily Adulting is a self-help humor blog written by Leon Wu. He documents his thoughts and experiences about growing up, while taking a break from life and moving back in with his parents. Subscribe to follow his (hopefully) uplifting journey.
