“Mirror mirror on the wall. Who has the most put-together, chic-but-not-hipster, outfit of them all?”
Tomorrow I have a job interview. Nothing major. It’s an admin position at a dentist’s office doing clerical stuff. It’s easy cash but most importantly, it’s a reason to get out of the house. A good enough reason in fact, that I print out my CV and rehearse my hiring pitch.
Before I go to sleep I look through my closet for an outfit. I have to reach back far to find something appropriate. My recent go-to outfit had been a grey Mickey Mouse sweatshirt with matching grey sweatpants. Comfortable, bland, with just a hint of childhood nostalgia. A.k.a, the official uniform of the stay-at-home son.
I scrape together a few odd items. It had been a while since I’d dressed to impress, so I turned to the internet for advice. After a solid hour reading up on color coordination and dress codes, none of which made the teensiest bit of sense, I head to the mirror.
I don’t recognize the face staring at me. His cheeks are a little chubby. It looks like his stubble has been painted on. Most noticeable were the sad and tired bags under his eyes. I wanted to reach out into the mirror and tell him it was all going to be ok. But first, I needed to get him dressed.
I work my way through a scrapbook of mismatching shirts from different periods of my life. There’s some band tees from high school that make me look I’m about to sit my SAT’s. This wasn’t the right direction but it didn’t hurt to relive some nice memories. I put on a few shirts with collars. Blue or white? According to the internet style experts, white communicated that you meant business. I did mean business. I pick the one that is the least stained.
Next is my pants. Shorts instantly get thrown out of the equation, as they are considered asbestos in all but the most Mediterranean of climates. I flick through jeans of yesteryears, watching them gradually slim down with the changing of fashion trends. The final pair in the line-up is dark and slimming. Would these work? I look just a little too ‘college-esque’. Like I was trying to impress a date who didn’t know any better. I find a grey pair of slightly-baggy trousers I wore to my Grade 11 formal. These will do.
I complete the outfit out with a tie. Why do people wear ties? Is it to hide our hideous necks? Apart from the face, the neck is the one spot we expose on a daily basis. It’s a weak point, exposing our vulnerabilities and the fact that air is essential to our existence. I have only one option here. A skinny black tie that looks shriveled licorice. I’ve forgotten how to tie a knot. I google this too.
Round the back, through the loop. Bottom to top. I stumble and fail at it the first three times. On the fourth attempt I create something baggy and droopy but at least it fits around my neck. I tighten it and feel my airway slowly being constricted.
When I stare at myself I don’t recognize the slightly-chubby grey man from an hour ago. Here is a somewhat professional looking specimen that looks like he belongs in a cubicle. True, it’s all just surface appearances. A little face-lift. But the mirror whispers back to me that I look great and that makes me feel great. “Mirror, mirror, on the wall. You got this in the bag you ol’ dawg.”
Daily Adulting is a self-help humor blog written by Leon Wu. He documents his thoughts and experiences about growing up, while taking a break from life and moving back in with his parents. Subscribe to follow his (hopefully) uplifting journey.
